Last week I wrote this post.
After some passive aggressive texting, my friend and I finally got together.
When I told my boyfriend we were meeting up his response was just “Oh, God.” And I get it, I am very bipolar when it comes to this friend. I love her and I hate her all at once and like any “healthy” relationship I seem to have irrational responses to things that unbiased third parties feel are cut and dry.
But against all odds, we ended meeting up. And I went with the intention of saying something. Telling her how I felt that this friendship was one-sided and something needed to give.
But I didn’t.
Maybe I was a coward. Maybe I let my avoidance of confrontation win out. Maybe I didn’t want to risk crying in public (my default response to most emotions – joy, anger, sadness – is to cry). Or maybe I didn’t want to risk an argument. But for whatever reason, I chose not to say anything. I bit my tongue. Even when the topic drifted towards friendship and what makes good and bad friends, I still said nothing. And I don’t think I regret it… Because it was a great evening.
So now I’m not mad anymore…
But I know that nothing has been solved. I know the pattern will repeat and I will get mad all over again. So now I’m at another fork in the road. Like all long relationships, I feel like the person deserves a face-to-face conversation when things are going bad and something needs to change. But this isn’t a break-up. And she’s a friend not a romantic partner. Is it okay to send an email? Since I like to write, I have one ready to go… But do I send it? Do I risk not being able to see her immediate reaction? Do I risk the potential for misinterpretation that can come with emails when there’s no room for tone of voice and body language? Can I live with not sending it? Especially if I can’t say it in person? What is the precedence here?