weight loss

Haunted Numbers

In the dark

Under the bed

It’s there

Hiding

I know it’s there

And it knows all my fears

When I turn out the lights it taunts me

Haunts me

Teases me

Softly calling my name

What am I so afraid of?

I ignore it

But it can’t be ignored

I pretend it isn’t there

But it’s always there

I am shackled

A prisoner with no escape

During the day I think I am free

I can even forget

For a while…

But it will still be there

It’s always been there

Since I was too young

Waiting

Patiently

Because it knows I’ll come back

I always come back

I am afraid without it

Uncertain

I need it

I long for it

To be reunited and reassured

I will gaze trustingly into its unblinking eyes

Expectant

Hopeful

Trapped

Those neon blue eyes changing to numbers

Telling me how good I am

I will bask in its praise

I crave it

But it will not come

My hope is empty

Instead I am mocked

Not good enough

Would could love me?

Who could love this?

No one

But it will always be there

Reliable

Unwavering

Whenever I need it

When I am weak

It will show me the truth

And I will remain shackled

The scale never lies.

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Impossible

Day 1, Day 1 again, this is the last Day 1

How many failures

How many new beginnings

Today is the day

Today will be different

This time

Maybe tomorrow

Next week

On Monday

 

Measurements, photos, weigh-ins

Promises, plans, intentions

 

Doubts and why bothers

Anxieties and depressions

Give ins and give ups

 

It’s for my health

Lies

It’s to improve my energy

Sure it is

 

It’s for looks

It always has been

 

Too fat

Not thin enough

No muscle definition

Too short

Too weak

Not good enough

Never will be

 

Obese

Overweight

Overloaded

Overburdened

 

Society says one thing

The mirror says the same

Your clothes scream it at you

And eventually you believe

 

Impossible standards

Impossible expectations

Impossible to ignore

Impossible to succeed

Impossible not to fail